One of the best feelings in the world is knowing someone has your back. Every time you go through a rough patch, knowing that you have your partner to depend on may offer you a sense of calm and ease. In fact, the care and support we get in our relationships can also impact our physical and emotional well-being.
“People who experience more supportive relationships have better mental health, higher levels of life satisfaction, and lower rates of morbidity and mortality,” write the researchers of a 2014 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships on the importance of supportive relationships.
But sometimes, we might not be in the right headspace or have the presence of mind to give our partners the support they need. We might even lash out or create a wall around ourselves and refuse to let them in.
You might recognize this manufactured emotional distance in how you address their bids for support.
Here are four dismissive phrases that can push your partner away, even if you don’t mean to, and how to rephrase them to protect your love.
1. ‘That’s Just How Life Is’
When we use this statement, we can unintentionally minimize what the other person is feeling. While many life events are out of one’s control, your partner is likely looking for support that can help them feel seen and empowered, and this statement only brushes aside the pain of their unique circumstances.
“That’s just how life is” implies that their struggle is common, trivial and something to get used to or get over quickly. It doesn’t reflect empathy.
An important skill in any relationship, according to the Gottman’s sound relationship house theory, is “turning toward bids.” Bids are a partner’s attempts at emotional connection. They often include trying to get a partner’s attention, interest, affection or emotional support.
A 2015 study published in the Journal of Family Psychotherapy also found that couples repaired conflict most effectively when they pre-emptively focused on establishing emotional connection, through expressing understanding and empathy for the other person.
So, it’s essential to respond to your partner’s bids with sensitivity, rather than avoidance. In moments like these, they need your empathy, not a stone-cold picture of what you perceive to be “reality.” This only makes them feel dismissed and helpless.
Instead of giving them a “reality check,” just be present with them. You could say something along the lines of “I’m here if you want to talk” or “Do you want me to just listen, or is there a different way you’d like me to support you?”
The most effective relationship interventions work on both reducing conflict negativity and strengthening friendship within love. You can offer constructive solutions to help solve their problems if they ask for it, but don’t try that right away. Begin with emotional connection first.
2. ‘I Don’t Know What You Want Me To Say’
Researchers in the 2015 study noted that one common problem men often brought up during couples therapy is that they feel like all the blame is on them. They may use statements like this one if they feel uncomfortable and helpless. This is especially the case if they hear complaints from their partners and feel overwhelmed or defensive, but it can sound cold and disinterested.
Instead of the classic “I don’t know what you want me to say” which tends to deflect the blame and responsibility to find solutions onto your partner, you can say: “I’m not sure how to respond, but I want to understand how you’re feeling” or “I need some time to understand and process your words before we continue.”
Additionally, when your partner brings up a problem that you’ve played a role in, it helps to take responsibility, even partly, and remember that you’re on the same team (against the problem) instead of throwing the towel in.
3. ‘That’s Your Problem, Not Mine’
When a partner is struggling, using such phrases might feel like you’re just setting boundaries, but they can drive a wedge between you. It can leave your partner feeling isolated in their struggles.
While you’re not supposed to take on all their problems as your own, it’s essential to distinguish between setting boundaries to protect your emotional energy, as opposed to creating emotional walls that shut them out completely. All this does is tell them they’re on their own, and that you don’t believe that you’re a unit.
Sometimes, our own hyper-independence can make us push partners way. If you believe you need to solve all your problems on your own, you might expect that your partner should, too. However, consistent emotional support is the foundation of any lasting relationship. You can’t show love only when it’s convenient, and none of us can go through life completely alone.
Instead, you could say “I know this is affecting you, how can I support you right now?” or “We’ll figure it out together.”
It’s meant to be the two of you against the problem, not you against your partner. Relationships thrive on teamwork, not separation.
4. ‘It’s Not A Big Deal’
What doesn’t matter to you may be a huge deal to your partner. Brushing it off with “It’s not a big deal” can sound dismissive and lacking in empathy.
To be a truly supportive partner, you need to start by showing curiosity for their inner world. Learn what’s important to them, and why something may hurt them more than it hurts you.
Rephrase your dismissive response from “It’s not a big deal” to “I can see that this is upsetting you. Can you help me understand what you’re feeling?” or “Tell me more about what’s going on — I want to understand.”
All your partner really needs to feel safe with you is to know you’re there for them, that you don’t judge them and that you care about how they feel — even if you don’t entirely understand it. Becoming more emotionally available to them also begins with becoming more self-aware, and learning why you might push emotional connection away.
You can say what feels genuine to you, but you can do it with empathy. Build tolerance toward perspectives other than your own, and you won’t just grow as a partner, but as a person.
Do you often run from your own emotions? Take this science-backed test to find out: Self-Invalidation Due To Emotion Scale
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